“MY PLUMBER IS FASCINATED BY GERMAN WEIGHT LOSS WEBSITES. HE WON’T STOP USING TERMS LIKE ‘SCHNELL ABNEHMEN’ BUT I’M NOT GERMAN”
Let me set the scene.
You’re in your bathroom. The tap is leaking. It’s been leaking for three weeks. You’ve finally cracked and called a plumber. He arrives. He’s competent. He’s friendly. He looks at the tap, nods sagely, and says:
“Ja, this is going to need a complete Überholung. But don’t worry. We will make it schlank und effizient.”
You blink. You’re fairly certain he just said something about making your tap “slim and efficient.” You’re also fairly certain taps don’t need to be slim. They’re taps.
[Menu]
You ask him to repeat himself. He smiles, adjusts his tool belt, and says, “You see, the problem is water retention. Very common. We need to entwässern the system. Schnell abnehmen, ja?”
And that’s when you realise. Your plumber is not just a plumber. He is a plumber who has fallen down a very specific, very German, very weight loss rabbit hole, and he is absolutely determined to drag you with him.
The Diagnosis
You ask him what’s wrong with the tap. He doesn’t say “the washer is worn out.” He says, “The Dichtung is bloated. Too much water weight. We need to cut the carbs. I mean, cut the pipe.”
He pulls out his tools, but instead of a standard wrench, he brandishes what looks like a slightly modified fitness tracker. He holds it against the pipe, squints at the screen, and declares, “Ah, yes. Your water pressure is at 4.2 bar. That is… suboptimal. For optimal Fettverbrennung, we need 3.8. Trust me. I’ve read the studies.”
You have no idea what studies he’s talking about. You’re fairly certain there are no studies about water pressure and fat burning. But he says it with such confidence, such Germanic authority, that you find yourself nodding along.
The Terminology Trap
Here’s the thing. He doesn’t just know German weight loss terms. He lives them. He sprinkles them into conversation like a man who has just discovered a new language and is determined to use it in every sentence.
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“This pipe joint is very stabil. Much like my core after three weeks of Planken.”
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“We need to entkalken this shower head. Think of it as a Entgiftung for your bathroom.”
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“Your hot water system is zu langsam. It needs Intervallfasten. I’ll set it to heat every second hour.”
You ask him what Intervallfasten means. He explains it’s intermittent fasting. For your water heater. Because water heaters, apparently, need to “rest” between meals. You don’t argue. You’re too confused.
The Tool Bag Surprise
You assume, foolishly, that his tool bag contains tools. Wrenches. Pipes. The usual.
No. No, no, no.
He unzips his bag and pulls out:
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A small kitchen scale (for “portion control” of pipe sealant).
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A measuring tape (for “waist management” of your pipes).
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A notebook filled with calorie counts for various plumbing materials. (“Copper is very lean. PVC? Nein. Too many empty calories.”)
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A German phrasebook, heavily annotated, with weight loss terms underlined in red.
You ask him about the phrasebook. He blushes and says, “I am learning. For the Körperfett. I mean, for the pipes. Very similar concepts, ja?”
The Repair Itself
Against all odds, he actually fixes the tap. He does a perfectly competent job. The leak stops. The water pressure is fine. He even cleans up afterwards, which is more than most plumbers do.
But the entire time he’s working, he’s muttering to himself. You catch snippets:
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“Wasser ist der Feind. Wasser macht dick.”
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“Weniger ist mehr. Weniger Wasser, mehr Gewichtsverlust.”
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“Schnell abnehmen. Schnell abnehmen. Das ist der Weg.”
You have no idea what he’s saying. It sounds vaguely threatening. You half-expect him to weigh your toilet before he leaves.
The Final Invoice
When he’s done, he hands you the bill. It’s itemised:
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Labour: $180
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Parts (lean, low-carb components): $75
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German phrasebook consultation (complimentary): $0
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Schnell abnehmen surcharge (water reduction protocol): $45
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Entwässerung fee: $30
You stare at it. You ask him what the surcharge is for. He explains, with complete sincerity, that he “optimised your water flow for metabolic efficiency.” He used a “proprietary German algorithm” that he found on a blog called SchlankMitRohren.de (which you later Google and discover does not exist).
You pay it. You’re too tired to argue. Also, the leak is fixed, which is more than you can say for your diet.
The Aftermath
For days afterwards, you catch yourself using his phrases.
You’re making coffee. You glance at the kettle and mutter, “Schnell abnehmen.” You don’t know why. It’s just stuck in your head.
You’re showering. You look at the shower head and think, “Entwässern.” You feel vaguely judged by your own bathroom.
And when your neighbour asks if you know a good plumber, you pause. You open your mouth. And what comes out is:
“Ja. He is very good. Very effizient. But bring a translator. And maybe a dictionary.”
The Verdict
Can a plumber obsessed with German weight loss websites still be a good plumber?
Yes. Somehow, miraculously, yes. He fixed your tap. Your pipes are lean. Your water is efficient. Everything works.
But you’ll never look at a Dichtung the same way again. And you’ll definitely never tell anyone about the Intervallfasten for your hot water system.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go weigh my sink. For optimale Leistung.
Schnell abnehmen, everyone.