“HOW DO I MAKE SURE MY KIRRIBILLI PLUMBER DOESN’T FREAK OUT MY PET ROSELLA? OR VICE VERSA?”
Let’s address the elephant—or rather, the parrot—in the room.
You live in Kirribilli. You have a pet rosella. You have a plumbing emergency. These three facts should not be mutually exclusive, but somehow, they’ve collided into a perfect storm of screeching, feathers, and rapidly rising blood pressure.
Your rosella, let’s call him Cedric, is a majestic creature. He has plumage that would make a sunset jealous. He also has the temperament of a disgruntled bouncer and the lung capacity of an opera singer. He does not appreciate strangers. He really doesn’t appreciate strangers with tools.
And now you’ve got Gary the plumber arriving in approximately seventeen minutes, and you’re staring at Cedric’s cage, thinking: Who’s going to freak out first—the bird or the bloke?
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Here’s how to ensure peace in the Kirribilli household.
Step 1: The Pre-Game Briefing
You cannot just spring this on a plumber. That’s how wars start.
When Gary arrives, do not greet him with, “Oh, by the way, there’s a bird.” That’s like saying, “Oh, by the way, there’s a crocodile.” He needs preparation. He needs context. He needs a full Situation Report.
Meet him at the door. Look him dead in the eye. Say, with
absolute seriousness: “Gary, before you enter, I need you to understand something. There is a crimson rosella in my lounge room. His name is Cedric. He has opinions. He will share them with you. Do not make direct eye contact for longer than three seconds. Do not wear anything red—he finds it threatening. And for the love of God, do not whistle. He considers that a challenge.”
Gary will look at you like you’ve just asked him to disarm a bomb. Good. He’s appropriately scared.
Step 2: The Cage Placement Tango
The location of Cedric’s cage is absolutely critical. You cannot have him in the same room as the plumbing action. This is non-negotiable.
If Gary is working on the kitchen sink, Cedric’s cage needs to be in the bedroom. If Gary is working in the bathroom, Cedric needs to be on the balcony (weather permitting—Cedric is a Kirribilli rosella, he has standards).
The goal is distance. The further Cedric is from the action, the less he can see, the less he can commentate, and the less Gary has to explain to his boss why he’s been screeched at for three hours.
Step 3: The Noise Management Strategy
Here’s where it gets tactical.
Gary is going to make noise. Drills. Wrenches. The occasional muttered curse when a pipe fights back. Cedric is going to respond to this noise by attempting to out-sing it. This is not a competition Cedric can win, but he will die trying.
Solution? Background noise.
Turn on the TV. Put on some gentle jazz. Play a nature documentary—but NOT one with birds, because that will send Cedric into a frenzy of territorial rage. Pick something boring. Something about geology. Cedric will be confused, maybe a little offended, but he’ll calm down out of sheer disappointment.
And if Gary starts whistling while he works? Stop him immediately. Tell him, “Gary, I’m sorry, but Cedric considers whistling a declaration of war. Please hum. Quietly. In a minor key.”
Step 4: The “Don’t Poke the Bird” Rule
This should be obvious. But you’d be surprised.
When Gary takes a break, he’s going to want to look at Cedric. Because Cedric is stunning. He’s a walking rainbow. Everyone wants to look at him.
But looking is one thing. Poking is another. Tapping the cage is a third, far more dangerous thing. And making kissy noises? That’s a death wish.
Brief Gary on the “Look But Don’t Touch” policy. Explain that Cedric has a personal space bubble of approximately two metres. Explain that Cedric has bitten a postman, a real estate agent, and a very overconfident cockatoo. Gary will respect the bubble.
Step 5: The Screech-Off Contingency
Despite your best efforts, it will happen. Cedric will screech. Gary will jump. Gary will drop his wrench. The wrench will clatter. Cedric will screech LOUDER. It’s a feedback loop of chaos.
Here’s what you do.
You walk calmly to Cedric’s cage. You look him in the eye. You say, “Cedric, we have discussed this. This man is here to fix the water. He is not a rival. He is not a predator. He is a service provider.”
Cedric will pause. He’ll tilt his head. He’ll consider your words. Then he’ll screech one more time, just to have the last word, because he’s a rosella and that’s what they do.
And then? Silence. He’s made his point. He’s asserted dominance. Gary can continue.
Step 6: The Introduction (Optional, High-Risk)
If, against all odds, Gary and Cedric seem to be getting along—if Gary has demonstrated respect, if Cedric has stopped hissing—you might attempt a formal introduction.
Hold out your hand. Let Cedric step onto your finger. Bring him, slowly, toward Gary. Let Gary offer a single, unsalted, unshelled sunflower seed.
If Cedric takes it? You’ve achieved the impossible. You’ve created a Kirribilli miracle. Gary is no longer just a plumber—he’s been accepted. He’s part of the flock.
If Cedric lunges? Abort. Abort immediately. Retreat. Try again next plumbing emergency. Or never. Never is also fine.
The Ultimate Test
How do you know you’ve managed this situation successfully?
When Gary finishes the job, he’s not bleeding. Cedric is not traumatised. The leak is fixed. And as Gary packs up his tools, he glances at Cedric’s cage and says, “He’s actually not that bad. Reminds me of my ex-wife.”
You’ll laugh nervously. Cedric will screech once. And you’ll know—everything is going to be just fine.
Just don’t mention the ibis. Nobody mentions the ibis.